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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.