Late-Night Hosts Lampoon Trump's Controversial 'Gold Card' Residency Program

Television's prominent hosts devoted the evening criticizing former President Donald Trump's just announced visa initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," describing it as a obvious cash-for-residency arrangement for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Take

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock holiday jingle directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's making a list, checking it twice, before giving that list to the agents at ICE," he crooned. "Trump ... destroys each thing he comes into contact with."

The focus was the controversial plan which enables international individuals to purchase U.S. residency for the price of $1 million dollars, with a "platinum" tier for 5 million. A government portal guarantees approval "in record time."

"A brief note for you to affluent applicants: before you fork over the cash, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the card is also designed to "squeeze cash" from companies wishing to hire foreign workers, with large costs. "That's a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you also get free accommodation at a hotel of your choosing – provided that it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.

"The best background check the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals completely are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Critique

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will let affluent foreigners to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."

"Maybe it's time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the form, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Concerns

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining approval numbers amid economic anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a effort to tackle affordability, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a selection of grocery items, and reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative media defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he joked.